


Diagnosed for the Worst

by Star4545



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, author Dan, it's not sad I promise, phil can't speak, phil works in a bookstore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-28
Updated: 2016-07-28
Packaged: 2018-07-27 09:40:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7613125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Star4545/pseuds/Star4545
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil can't speak and has always found home in books. Dan Howell is his favorite author who writes books that always speak for Phil.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Diagnosed for the Worst

When Phil was a baby, his parents were informed that he would never be able to speak. There was a problem with his vocal chords, causing them to not work properly. As Phil grew, he heard the voices around him and become depressed because he could never speak his own. He tried multiple times to get people to sign with him, considering from a young age he had learned sign language. Yet it wasn't the same. He could never fully express himself with just the movement of his hands, he could never speak his always running mind. He could always write down his thoughts, though that took time and effort and would make his hand hurt.

Everyone around Phil would make it seem like he was special…different. And he was and he knew it. It was annoying though because they always would think that Phil couldn't hear ether. So people would talk about him constantly and he could never stand up for himself. He somehow got a job at a bookstore, he would help with inventory and check out.

If there was one thing Phil loved, it was books. They always spoke for him when he couldn't. They would express feelings and tell stories through beautiful words, and they never made Phil feel discouraged, because they were just words written on a page. Beautiful words on a page. It was a totally different spectrum from just not being able to communicate because with books there was no one to communicate with. The author is just telling a story.

Phil's favorite author is Dan Howell. A young author who is not very well known yet but writes amazing stories. Ones about how beautiful the world around us is. He shows it through imagery and characters. Beautiful characters. For example, Phil's favorite character; PJ who is just a boy looking to capture the world through his movies. He is a quiet boy that finds that through his movies, the world seems bigger and brighter. Phil absolutely loved the definitely underappreciated character. In the small fandom, PJ was so underappreciated. Most fans favoring the more relatable character of Charlotte in Dan's second book. Phil still loved Charlotte but to him, she just wasn't relatable. He whole plot line of being this big party person and she soon realizes that she is drinking her life away. Phil is almost twenty-three and never has had a sip of Alcohol and has never been to a party.

Phil sits quietly behind the counter of the checkout desk, desperately wanting to grab the new Dan Howell book that was on the counter because it was being advertised. But he knows that once he picks it up, he isn't going to put it down. He'll get too invested in the characters and be fired for sure. He has read the description a thousand times and it sounds amazing.

_Diagnosed for the Worst is an intriguing tale on how sickness can make an outlook on life so much dimmer. Chris Kendall was diagnosed and learns that he will soon lose his vision. He only has a couple days left to see the world for its glory and soon all the world disappears from sight._

Phil looked around. It seemed no one was around and he grabs the book. The beautiful hard cover with a faded hospital chair and the title displayed across the cover. He looks around again, making sure no one was in line or that the manager was around. Phil opened it to the first page. Past the dedications and past the table of contents. Straight to the book.

_Eyes._ The first page read and Phil was already intrigued.

_The world always seemed so bright, so beautiful. The tan color of the pavement or the fading red of brick. I never looked at things in much detail._

The book stated as Phil read on. Phil read the first few pages, his tongue sticking out the side of his concentrated and overjoyed mix of a smile. He had already fallen in love with the pretenseless character of Chris Kendall. It wasn't until he heard a small cough that he looked up. A customer was standing there. Phil was unsure for how long, but thankfully there was no line, and the woman did not looked pissed. Phil puts the book back the display and shows the white board with the words written Find everything okay? The lady nods, handing Phil the book and some cash. He nods, scanning the book and putting it in a bag. Giving the lady her receipt and change. "Keep the change, so you can buy yourself that book you were immersed in." Phil smiles, signing the word 'thank you' hoping she understood and she just smiles and says, "You're welcome. Have a nice day." Phil nods and pockets the money. It wasn't enough to buy the book. The lady only had given him four pounds when the book was ten, but he had enough spare change that he could buy it later that day after his shift.

Phil vigilantly picks up the book again. Every so often looking up to make sure there were no customers. After reading a full two chapters, he decides to stop because that book was already taking over his life one page at a time. After his shift, Phil goes to the staff room to collect his things. His manager was in there and approaches Phil, who becomes nervous. Phil loved his job; the pay was good and he was surrounded by the things he loves. "Lester, how are you liking the new Dan Howell book?" Phil looks at his manager wide eyed. "Phil, it's okay. I'm not going to fire you alright." Phil nods. "Listen I wanted to let you know that tomorrow there is going to be a book signing here, so please be on your most professional behavior." Phil nods again.

He doesn't buy the book that day. That night, he lets his thoughts wander on what will happen, how will Dan put his famous twist on it? How will this make Phil think about the universe once he finishes it. It's like when you watch a TV show and there is a cliffhanger at the end. That's what it's like for Phil; wanting desperately to know what happens.

As he enters work the next day, the atmosphere was already different. The bookstore had a table set up and a chair behind it and Phil quickly puts his stuff in the staff room before going to sit behind the checkout counter, sadly he couldn't really see the table. He sees small groups of teenagers and young adults enter at different points. There was less than a hundred of them and yet Phil was still unsure of who the author even is. It definitely wasn't some huge author like John Green.

Seeing as all those people were just here for the book signing, which Phil was informed didn't start for another half an hour, he grabs _Diagnosed for the Worst_ off the little display and picks up where he left off.

_My mother was crying. I didn't know how to soothe her because even I didn't know how to feel. Everything around me was already a little bit blurrier than it should be even with my glasses on. It dawned on me that I would never see this world again. Never see my mother's brown curly hair or that boy in my Philosophy class whom I may or may not have a crush on. I would never see the blue waves of Brighton's beach or the red buses that crowd London's streets. I started crying there as well. I would never see this world again. Jeez, that’s scary. So fucking scary._

It soon started to get louder, Phil assumed that the book signing was starting. The voices of the people blending nicely with the soft acoustic songs playing throughout the shop. Phil rang up a customer or two; but because of the book signing there weren't many customers so far in the day. Every so often, Phil would read a couple pages, yet the noise was so overwhelming. It was never really loud in the bookstore which always made Phil feel at peace, at home. But today it was like the store was suffocating. The loud talking voices and he couldn't even make a peep. It made him so upset and uneasy. Not even the beautiful writings of Dan Howell could help him drown out the voices. He would just have to wait until the store quieted down, after everyone has left, and then he can read some more without being overly distracted.

Soon enough, people started to leave. The whole store getting quieter, the music starting to overcome the noise, letting the chatter come to a light hum. He picks up the book again to read.

_Trees, grass, friends, books, art. I had to make sure to look at every last thing. I needed to see everything one last time. I needed to see Shelly's explosive red hair and Louise's cute outfits. I needed to see Philosophy class guy. I needed to see a movie in the cinema and play some video games._

Phil was now deep in the rabbit hole. So fully immersed. Although PJ was a strong favorite of Phil's. Chris had to be growing on him, maybe because of his soon to be disability and Phil could completely empathize. Phil understood what it's like for something so major to be taken away from you, expect Phil could never talk. He was always silent, always listening.

Phil looks up to see a whole cluster of people leaving. The store practically silent. Phil checks his watch. He still has just over a half-hour in his shift. He looks around, sees no one, and continues to get even deeper in the story. He could hear laughter and dismisses it, shaking his head. Phil continues on, he almost doesn't feel time passing, he just was so into the story.

"Good book, aye?" Phil jumps back, thankfully not losing his place in the book. He almost can't believe his eyes, he has to flip to the back of the book where Dan's face is smiling to make sure that his assumptions are correct. He puts his hand over his mouth even though he could emit no sound, he was so excited to see his favorite author in front of him, smiling and laughing. Phil nods ecstatically. If there was any time Phil wish he could talk it would be right now.

Phil grabs his white board and erases what's on there before writing:

**You're Dan Howell?!**

"Yup!" His voice was soothing to Phil's ears which was very uncommon. Most people's voices he wished would go away. Like all those loud teens, but Dan's was like honey.

**I love _Looking Out._ It's so beautiful.**

"Aw, I'm glad," Dan looks at Phil's name tag. "Phil, is it?" Phil nods. It's then that Phil realizes Dan actually has a book he wants to buy. Phil motions to the book in Dan's hand. "Oh right." Dan hands Phil the book. Phil reads the cover quickly before scanning it and putting it in the bag. Dan scans his card and Phil hands Dan the bag. "Is that your copy of the book?" Phil shakes his head. He had to remember to buy it.

Dan takes the display copy of _Diagnosed for the Worst_ out of Phil's hands and asks for a pen. Dan quickly signs it. "I'll take this too." Phil looks at him confused before scanning the book. Dan pays for it and gives it back to Phil. Phil looks at him wide eyed, signing thank you to him. "Is that sign language?"

Phil nods, writing quickly on his whiteboard. **I can't speak. I just signed thank you.**

"Why can't you speak?" Dan asks.

Phil looks at him before writing on the whiteboard, **Problem with my vocal chords. I never learned to speak. So I use sign language.**

"What a shame. I bet you would have a beautiful voice." Phil's cheek flush a bright red and he looks down. He couldn't tell if Dan was being sincere or just being nice because Phil was a fan with a disability, but signs thank you. Dan smiles. "Have fun reading _Diagnosed for the Worst_. I really hope you like it, Phil. Hope it speaks to you. Or maybe for you." Phil smiles, looking at the book in his hands. He opens it up to see Dan had wrote: **Hope my books speak the words you've always wanted to say. Love, Daniel J. Howell**.

Phil stares at the book. At that moment, Dan didn't know he couldn't speak so why would he write that. Phil watches as Dan leaves the bookstore and sighs. He was a beautiful human specimen with such nice books.

Phil spends the rest of his night binge reading _Diagnosed for the Worst._ For him, it still doesn't beat Looking Out. But the ending was so fast and well thoughtout. It made Phil cry because wow, he could kinda relate.

_Eyes. The windows to the soul. Eyes; the things that let you see the world. People that can see wouldn't know how hard it is to be blind. The always ever consuming darkness. It's crazy. It's like I can hear and touch, but I can never see again. The bright colors of a carnival or the dull colors of the hospital that I spend my last few minutes seeing. Wow, the last thing I saw was some hospital walls. The world seems darker now. When you're healthy, when you can see, when you have nothing wrong, everything seems so bright and perfect. The darkness has shown me how independent I was, now always needing help. I would do anything to see again. But I can't. I can never see the boy in Philosophy class who kissed me my last day of seeing. I'll never see the sun or the grass. I just have to have darkness over take me as it has already corrupted my vision._

-

It was a year later, Phil anxiously waiting for the bookstore he still worked in got in the new Dan Howell book. Phil had heard it was his best one yet and couldn't wait to read it for the first time. "Lester! Here's the book you've been wanting. Don't forget to put the money for it in the cash register." Phil nods from the staff room back to the checkout desk where he puts the ten pounds. He rushes home so he could read it.

Phil sits down on his couch after getting out of his work clothes and has had some dinner. The book was titled, _Words That Don't Leave the Page._ He opens it up, not bothering to read the description. He almost flips past the dedication before spotting a familiar name, his own. **To bookstore checkout salesman, Phil who inspired the book and mainly the main character.** Phil shakes his head, thinking that it could not possibly be him and he starts to read.

_Words tumble in one ear and out the other. Ross can understand them but cannot replicate those simple words. "Ross do you hear me?" His mother screams, like he couldn't hear. Ross sighs, nodding his head. "Great. What did I say?" Ross quickly signs back what his mother had just said. "Jeez, Ross just because you can't speak does not give you special immunities alright? School is school and you need to get your grades up if you ever want to do anything in this world."_

Already this book seems way too real to Phil and as he reads on and on, he realizes how alike him and Ross are. Both cannot utter a single word and Dan had completely caught the frustration that Phil felt every day. Phil wasn't exactly sure how Dan did it. He had only met Phil once, it wasn't like Phil told Dan his life story and told him how it was like to be him.

The story was pretty simple. Ross couldn't speak and had to find ways to express himself and his words through different means of art. It was simply beautiful. It had small references to other books Dan had written showing that all of Dan's books take place in the same cohesive universe which made Phil smile. It had a small romance plot as well. It seems that Ross was bisexual which made Phil happy because that's what he is. Phil loves how Ross is somewhere between happy and depressed, his emotion and attitude always changing without being considered bipolar. So one chapter Ross would be painting and seem happy and then everything would start annoying him and he would get sad because that's what it's like. Phil wasn't trying to relate to this character by making up some fake thing. This was actually him. He was only halfway through when he got so emotional he started crying because finally someone understood him. Finally everything he has ever felt or wanted to say is written down in a hardcover book. One with a cover depicting a boy in all black, leaning against a brick wall. Yet Phil cannot stop reading. He just needs to know how much more true this book can get, how much more it could make him cry.

After a couple more hours of binge reading. Phil finishes up the book. He is full on sobbing and he knew this book would ruin him because all of Dan's books do, but this has destroyed him.

_"Ross, please I need to know you're okay in there." Carter yells through the door, making Ross flinch. He can't talk, he never could, but through all this crying and hurt, he can't even make a sound. He hates this. He hates how he can't speak his mind, how he has to stay silent all the time. He hates how Carter and everyone babies him. Just because he can't produce those words that everyone else can speak clearly. "Ross, please! Let me in." The voice he had once felt at home with sounds venomous to Ross at that moment but he lets Carter in, just like he always did. Carter holds Ross and stays silent. Ross' hands shakily signs the words that he always wanted to be able to say. Cause that's how it's always been Ross silence and signing._

Phil sits there, he is physically frozen in place. Normally after reading a Dan Howell book, he would go on Tumblr to see what other fans are saying or go look up some interviews but he was so in shock and so emotional, he could barely even move. He holds the book close to his chest, his breathing staggered. The tears have thankfully stopped but he was still breathing pretty heavily. All emotion he could possibly feel had mushed together making an mess. Like Ross, his emotions were mixed together like the paints on Ross's easel.

_He didn't have a single color. All the colors were mixed together because one color would symbolize one emotion, Ross always felt many._

As soon as he could, Phil went to his room where his laptop sat and quickly logged into Tumblr. He types in the title of the book, seeing many interviews pop up and speculations. Many theories about the book and rants. One text post caught his eye though.

**Howellbooks: Whomever this Phil guy is must mean a lot to Dan. Maybe he is his boyfriend or something. I mean, look at the way he talks about him *link***

And Phil just laughs it off, clicking on the link which took him to an interview with Dan.

"So today we are here with bestselling author, Dan Howell." The interview says.

"Hello." Dan says.

"You have a new book out right now called _Words That Don't Leave the Page._ Let's talk about that. How'd the idea come up?" The interview asks, looking not truly interested.

"Well, I was at a book signing in London and after everyone had left I looked around the store and found a book that I wanted to purchase. The manager had told me earlier the cashier, Phil, was a huge fan and he couldn't talk and it made me curious. So I went up to the checkout desk where the man was sitting, reading my previous book _Diagnosed For the Worst._ He was so overjoyed and so happy. He had to speak to me by writing and sign language, which I sadly hadn't known at the time, so it was a bit difficult, but he explained he couldn't talk because there was a problem with his vocal chords. Ross is strongly based of the small amount of information I had gotten from the cashier and the way he seemed to be." Dan explains. Phil pauses the video. He couldn't believe it was actually about him.

"A lot of fans seem to think you two are together due to you dedicating the book to him and basing the main character off him." Dan shakes his head.

"I only met the guy once. So, no he is not my boyfriend." Dan says, Phil's heart dropping. He knew they weren't dating, but it was a nice thought.

"Anyway so the main character of Ross…" Phil tuned it out after that. Somewhat listening and somewhat not before going back to Tumblr and writing a post.

**Amazingphil: I don't know how to feel about Words That Don't Leave the Page. All I know is that I'm crying and Ross is based on me and oh my gosh Dan Howell actually wrote a book based around my disability and wow.**

**In a matter of day, Phil was getting tons of notes from the fandom. Some people didn't believe he was the Phil, but most people did. Soon enough he got a message in his inbox from what he knew as Dan's twitter: Danisnotonfire.**

**Danisnotonfire: Hey, are you the Phil from the book store? Phil almost died because actual Dan Howell was messaging him.**

**Amazingphil: Um yeah. Words That Don't Leave the Page is actually amazing. I don't have words to describe it.**

**Danisnotonfire: I'm glad. I would love to discuss in person. I'm going to be in the London area later today. Are you still working at the book store? I would love to take you out.**

**Amazingphil: Yeah, but I don't work today.**

**Danisnotonfire: Still, meet there around 3.**

**Amazingphil: Alright.**

Phil gets dressed and makes sure his phone is charger and has his wallet before walking out of his flat and to the bookstore. By the time he gets there it’s a little after three and Dan was standing there with a couple teenage girls crowding around him. Phil goes up to Dan, who sees Phil and smiles. "Alright girls, it was very nice meeting you all. But I have to go now." The girls groan.

"Why?" One asks.

"Is it Phil?" Another girl asks.

"Are you Phil?" The first girl asks. I nod. They all squeal, running to get a selfie with me.

"Can you actually not talk?" The other girl asks and Phil nods.

"Alright girls, it's enough. C'mon Phil." Phil smiles at the girls before walking with Dan to the nearest Starbucks.

Phil types on his phone what he wants and Dan goes to order for them while Phil gets a seat. He waits for Dan who soon comes over with two coffees and sits down across from Phil.

"I learned a few phrases in sign language." Phil smiles, signing the words good for you. Dan looks at him confused before Phil takes out his phone and types it out. "Oh, guess I'm not very good."

_Don't put yourself down. I've been learning it forever._

"Alright. So _Words That Don't Leave the Page?_ " Phil smiles.

_Ross is so amazing. I don't know how you were able to get all my thoughts. Like Ross was so true and oh my gosh I love him._

"It was hard, I wanted to make it accurate. I knew you would read it and I didn't want it to seem stupid or not authentic. I really had to try hard." Dan says, taking a sip of his drink.

_You did a beautiful job. I cried through most of it. It just felt all too real. Like you wrote down all these words I've always wanted to express but couldn't._

"Glad I did it justice." Phil nods. "You're really cute, Phil. Anyone ever tell you that?" Phil blushes, signing thank you. Dan signs back your welcome.

It feels as if it was a whole different world with Dan. Phil could speak his mind without doing the talking because Dan could obviously read him like a book. A book with millions of words printed inside. Words to describe experiences and words that show actions. Words.

A book isn't a book without a beginning, middle, end.

A book isn't a book without sentences.

Sentences aren't sentences without different types of words.

Words aren't words without letters.

Phil can't speak but that's okay because Dan can speak for Phil through his words that make sentences that make the beginning, middle, end that make up a book.

**Author's Note:**

> would any of you be interested in any of the 'books' that Dan wrote in the story actually being written. I might write Looking Out if anyone would have an interest in reading it.


End file.
